spring break trip is over...back in austintown. i had the greatest weekend in the last 6 weeks...and i wish it would never have ended. i am now back in the place where i feel more alone and empty than ever before. i feel i have no direction in my life. i am in love with someone who knows exactly what he wants and is going after it...and i am in a place where i have no idea what i want...and have no clue what the next step is when my current job is finished in 3 months. i want to have a purpose...feel like i'm changing something or making a difference...anything. and i have no idea what will allow me to do that. no idea where to look...and i'm getting a master's degree in something that will probably never help me accomplish any of that. a degree that i will probably never use because of my lack of experience.
i hate coming back to this place...i feel like there is not much to look forward to...i don't enjoy going to class...i don't enjoy being in this town/apartment...the only thing i enjoy half the time is softball. i want out of here.
i want it to be september of next year...when he'll be done. i am lonely...i miss talking to him...seeing him...touching him...anything with him! it probably would have been easier not to see him for the next year...after seeing him i want to see him every day. i am so extremely proud of him and i want him to do everything he wants to do. i am just being selfish...he is ok with not seeing me. i wish i could be that strong...
i am counting down...counting down to the end of school...but yet i have no idea what comes next...after that i don't have a job. i don't have school to go to. i have literally nothing to look forward to...aaron will be making his way to california for training. NOTHING...what do i do? i can't afford to go anywhere...i can't afford to do anything. i feel like everything is falling apart all at once...just keeps crumbling. what else can possibly crumble at this point???
trying to beat this feeling of loneliness and emptiness...but i don't know how....
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