just a case of the mondays apparently...

apparently yesterday was strictly a horrific case of the mondays! feeling much better today. so my apologies to all of you readers out there for the extremely depressing post! i'm working on it!

back in the swing of things again today...sometimes i think it is strictly having to leave someone for the empty apartment. my mom and megan left yesterday...and i wanted to cry! because i knew there would be nothing but quiet in the apartment for the following hours after they left. i have no desire to do the school work that i have finished...as i don't foresee a job in that field coming anytime soon since i have 0 experience! how i will ever get that experience...who knows!

i'm sitting in class today...of which was pretty boring...and i realized that most of the stuff i have learned in my master's, i don't feel that i will ever use in the real world. talk about discouraging! and it suddenly dawned on me...if i can't find a job in the field i am trying to get into...i will look into teaching online! there are numerous opportunities for this and it would be a perfect way to transition. it would allow me to make money but at the same time do some research into what i want to do. does that mean i'll leave coaching? i have no idea yet. i plan on looking for opportunities in that as well...but as always it is dependent upon being hired.

i don't know exactly who i am yet...i don't know where i want to be in 5 years...let alone 2! 7 weeks left of classes...and i am counting down every stinking minute of it...if i don't get my paper finished in time and get all my other requirements done...oh well. i never understand why people do something they hate? and yet here i am doing exactly that...i am doing something that i hate...i would gladly pay someone to finish for me! :)  lol unfortunately i am not sure what i would pay with...as i have no money and am severely in debt.

over the weekend...i listened to aaron discuss all these financial strategies that he learned in bootcamp...and i can't help but think what it would be like to be entirely worry free! i worry everyday about will i have enough money to get gas and food this month?! that's horrible! how am i supposed to toy with the idea of ever buying a house...or ever having children?! eek!

although i have absolutely nothing figured out...as most people don't i assume...i suppose i'll just take whatever is thrown at me. some of these things make me miserable (paper being one)...while others have made me extremely happy! i don't know what's going to happen in the next 7 weeks with the wrapping up of my master's...and honestly i am not really sure if i even care at this point if i get it...would it be a royal waste of my money?? yes definitely. but would i still be able to find a job?? yes definitely. pros and cons of not finishing your master's degree at this point??  hmm...maybe tomorrow.

back in this place of loneliness...

spring break trip is over...back in austintown. i had the greatest weekend in the last 6 weeks...and i wish it would never have ended. i am now back in the place where i feel more alone and empty than ever before. i feel i have no direction in my life. i am in love with someone who knows exactly what he wants and is going after it...and i am in a place where i have no idea what i want...and have no clue what the next step is when my current job is finished in 3 months. i want to have a purpose...feel like i'm changing something or making a difference...anything. and i have no idea what will allow me to do that. no idea where to look...and i'm getting a master's degree in something that will probably never help me accomplish any of that. a degree that i will probably never use because of my lack of experience.

i hate coming back to this place...i feel like there is not much to look forward to...i don't enjoy going to class...i don't enjoy being in this town/apartment...the only thing i enjoy half the time is softball. i want out of here.

i want it to be september of next year...when he'll be done. i am lonely...i miss talking to him...seeing him...touching him...anything with him! it probably would have been easier not to see him for the next year...after seeing him i want to see him every day. i am so extremely proud of him and i want him to do everything he wants to do. i am just being selfish...he is ok with not seeing me. i wish i could be that strong...

i am counting down...counting down to the end of school...but yet i have no idea what comes next...after that i don't have a job. i don't have school to go to. i have literally nothing to look forward to...aaron will be making his way to california for training. NOTHING...what do i do? i can't afford to go anywhere...i can't afford to do anything. i feel like everything is falling apart all at once...just keeps crumbling. what else can possibly crumble at this point???

trying to beat this feeling of loneliness and emptiness...but i don't know how....

catching up...

well it's been awhile since i have graced you all with my writing presence!:)

the last few weeks have been very relaxing actually. my professor had my paper so i didn't have to worry a damn minute about that thing! i have it back in my possession now though...and just as i expected...he changed a majority of the first 6 pages to his writing. i knew this would happen! which i guess i can't be that mad about...it's one less thing i have to do. so i think i'm done stressing over this paper...because i know how it's going to turn out from this point forward: his writing. awesome!

joined a gym this week that has an 8 week transformation challenge. im pretty pumped about this. 8 weeks and i plan on being able to kick someone's ass!!!  haha  the first class i attended last friday was incredible...ropes, push ups, throwing weighted balls, pulling sleds, and carrying sandbags.  freakin sweet!  first two classes were pretty kick ass as well...i leave there each time feeling strong!!  i had my second personal training session this week and just felt like i accomplished so much during 1 hour...unlike when i run!!!  fyi...stress fraction in the right foot = not awesome at all!

the previous point reminds me to fill you in on new year's resolutions. i have completely nixed a resolution: marathon. marathon...i am over you officially. you caused me to injure the foot after 5 months of running...and this pisses me off! ill just throw some weighted balls around, whip the rope, do push ups on the bosu ball, carry kegs and sandbags, and push sleds all over the place. much cooler than running! :)

working out 4-6 times a week...while i have not stuck to this totally...i am working out multiple times a week. but i do really want to kick my ass in gear and get it going. and i need to do that with this 8 week transformation challenge...reinstating this resolution as of today. florida seems like a perfect place to start that!

blogging more...well obviously i've failed at that one! lol  i haven't signed in for who knows how long!!!!  i was just talking with a certain someone today about blogging...and i often feel like i am just complaining on here and sometimes am hesistant to post because i don't just want to complain. i want to have something meaningful i guess. so i'm working on that part...and pictures...well i officially suck at that part!  ill fix that next weekend when im in chicago for aaron's graduation!!!  pictures to come!!!

and losing body fat...well while i am not sure how much body fat i have lost yet...i do know that i have lost 12 pounds since the beginning of january. i am currently weighing in at 132...i don't think i've weighed this much since junior high!!!  maybe a short period of time during my junior year in college when i slept through lunch for 2 months during 6 am practices...otherwise i really think it was junior high!  haha i feel great...which is the best part of the whole thing. i had my body fat tested on january 18th i believe...and according to the 3 site caliper test, i regret to announce that it estimated 30%...ugh!  however, i just had it tested on the machine that you hold out in front of you at the gym on tuesday, march 6th and that was at 22.4%. talk about a serious discrepancy!!!!  haha  so i plan on getting tested again with the 3 site caliper test sometime this month...and then at the end of my 8 week transformation challenge i will check in with that too.  so in the next 2 months i will have a definite answer to this goal!

my diet has improved as well. i buy more fruits and vegetables at the store...much less processed food. which i'm super ecstatic about. i think it's truly paying off as well...considering i have managed to make it through the coldest months of the year without getting sick!!!  hells yeah!!! :)  i try to buy organic when i can! loving it!

and finally a little update on aaron and i...while he has been gone at navy bootcamp training since january 23rd, i have only spoken to him 1 time on the phone...and that was on january 23rd!  ahh!  he has called twice since then and i have missed both calls :(  i am on high alert currently with my phone just patiently waiting for him to call again! on march 16th he will graduate from boot camp...and he was named honor recruit of his division!!!!  so that's pretty exciting.  i can't wait to go straight from our florida trip to chicago to see him graduate!!!  i am super proud of him and knew he would do extremely well.  while it has been difficult, it hasn't been as hard as i was expecting.  i stay super busy with ball and school so i don't have much time to think about it. and thanks to a new good friend, i have someone who i know i can talk to about it and they will just listen! :)  thank you...you know who you are!!

school is winding down...only 8 weeks left. which also means only that much time left with the softball team. i'm not sure where my path will take me...and that is excruciatingly scary for me! i don't know what i'm good at and i don't know what i want to spend my life doing. when i get a job, i want to be the best at it that i can be and i currently don't feel like i know what that might be. i want to make a difference in someone's life...or make a difference in general. where do i find that? i suppose we'll find out in due time...

currently on our way to florida....and we have like 16 hours left!!  haha  gotta love the bus...

til next time...:)

just totally feeling it...

Annnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddddddddd....another week off to a not so good start. I've only wanted to quit a few things in my entire life...and only once have I ever actually followed through and quit (with the approval of my parents). Now, I know that this would never get the approval of them, but I still want to quit! There are also only a few times where I've ever felt stupid and that I didn't know anything...and currently I feel that every day. I am in a major that I can get A's in every class because the requirements are super easy and the grading is even easier. However, I have to write a paper scientifically, and do you think any of my classes have prepared me to do that? Nope! Not a single one. How am I expected to write a complete literature review (15-20 pages) when I have no clue how to write scientifically? You would think you would be provided with some pointers on how to write scientifically...nope haven't gotten those. The only one I've received...don't write conversationally. How do you do that? I didn't think I was writing as though I was talking to someone...nor does it sound like a conversation when I read it. I try to make the necessary changes and I'm told that it's not good enough, but why? I don't know.

I feel like a total failure every time that paper comes back to me, and we're only revising the first four pages currently. Seriously?! If four pages take this long, what the hell is going to happen with 17?!?! I can only imagine. And graduation in May...probably not happening. Now all my requirements are due by April 27th...almost 2 months away. Everything must be accepted and approved before I can move onto each subsequent step. Impossible...I always used to say nothing is impossible. I'm beginning to believe that graduating in May is impossible.

I don't feel like this is going to prepare me for any type of job I take...considering I know I can't write well...I am obviously not going to apply for a job that requires me to write scientifically every day! I am also beginning to think that I will never find a job that I will be good at. I don't have experience in anything but two things: coaching and teaching. Neither of which apply to anything in the biology field other than teaching.

This is depressing today...I know. But this is what I feel like currently and need to get it out! I need help writing...I need someone to read it and tell me what to fix...I need someone who knows how to write scientifically...How many people do you know that know how to do that? 0...here. It's a major sad face kind of day...and probably week at that.

Can't wait for this part of my life to be done and over with...and yet I will be stressed out to the max for the remainder of it! Ugh!

job searching....

I sit here late on a Wednesday night while I'm tutoring.  Or waiting to tutor as I'm not getting any students tonight.  And so I keep looking for jobs and applying.  I've only been looking for a few days...and I'm already frustrated.  Every job wants you to have some kind of experience.  I have NO experience in anything related to my Master's degree.  I can't even put that I have laboratory experience.  Thanks grad school for preparing me for this!  I write cover letters that say although I have no experience, I wish you would take a chance on me!

How am I expected to find a job when everyone wants 3-5 years experience?!  ughh!  Any suggestions in terms of finding a job would be much appreciated!

On a lighter note, got a letter from Aaron today! :)  Made my entire week...thank goodness...I've been dying to see that damn thing in the mailbox!!!  Booked my ticket to Chicago for March...can't wait to see his face! :)

Working on finding some good questions to pose to you all...funny thing is...I won't put some up because I have no idea how to answer them!  ha!  Maybe this weekend while on a 10 hour bus trip....

Short and sweet tonight...the way it probably always should be!

Best sister

This has been a stressful week me. Trying to finish a paper so I can graduate and spending every free minute of my life on it. To top that off I have not had communication with Aaron for 3 weeks now. Really missing him. But to make the week better Megan came out to visit for the entire weekend! Couldn't be any better. And while I hate a lot of things right now, she made me feel a million times better. I appreciate her worrying about me. She is pretty awesome! I have no idea what comes next or where ill be in 3 months but I know I have someone who believes in me 100% and will back me up no matter what I choose. Thank you sister for making my worst days a little bit brighter! Love you!!!!! :)

just another manic monday!

Well technically my Monday hasn't been manic...but my Friday was!!!  ugh.  Talk about the worst Friday I've probably had in years...literally.  Just trying to get through this semester and graduate on time...but it's looking like that might be falling by the wayside.  I may have to wait and graduate at the end of the summer semester.  While this is not what I really want...it's really not that terrible.  However, I am disappointed in the way things have gone because I don't feel I was given adequate direction in determining this lovely timeline I am now following at record pace!  New timeline = 15-25 page paper done by Valentine's Day (awesome...NOT!), revise a million times, allow my committee 2 weeks to read and accept, oral presentation and defense, and lastly 3 comprehensive final exams....all supposed to be finished by May 7.  While I think this seems rather reasonable...no one else does!  Apparently this revision process is going to take me 2 months.  AHHHHH!  And so my rant continues from Friday! I experienced a stress level that I didn't even know existed on Friday! Today, slightly experiencing a high stress level...but I have decided to let it all play out and not freak out.  If I don't get done, I don't get done.  I'll finish in May then.  Something I learned about myself today and this weekend...sometimes it isn't going to work out the way you want it, so just go with it!  I'm going! :)

So I'm going to start doing this regularly...ask myself a self discovery question each day!

Today's question: What type of people do I enjoy spending time with? 
I enjoy spending time with people who make me laugh.  I always enjoy having a good laugh, I think that is important to do everyday! I also enjoy spending time with someone who shares the same interests as me, but I also enjoy spending time with people who don't as well.  I want to learn everyday and I know that hanging out with people who can teach me something will allow me to keep learning!  An intelligent person would definitely be enjoyable!  There's a big but to this though, I don't enjoy spending time with people who are "know-it-alls"!  I know I don't want to spend time with someone who always has the right answer.  To go along with that, I don't like one-uppers! I enjoy people who care about others, want to see people do well, have fun in all that they do, laugh, joke, smile, and just enjoy life.  I enjoy the company of those that are smart, self-driven, funny, open-minded, active, sports-friendly, optimists (even though I myself am a pessimist!).  

What will this tell me about myself?  I'm not sure yet, but I am sure that the longer I continue to ask myself questions and make myself answer them, I will learn something!  Maybe I will stop surrounding myself with people I don't enjoy spending time with...but I'm not sure I even do that anyway!

I have two questions for any of you today as well.  I'd like to know what type of people you enjoy spending time with.  And my second question...I feel like I have no idea how to make friends!  Yes I'm 26 and I just said I don't know how to make friends!!!  ha  You can laugh, I know you are!  How do you make friends with someone?  

Have a great Monday everyone!