just totally feeling it...

Annnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddddddddd....another week off to a not so good start. I've only wanted to quit a few things in my entire life...and only once have I ever actually followed through and quit (with the approval of my parents). Now, I know that this would never get the approval of them, but I still want to quit! There are also only a few times where I've ever felt stupid and that I didn't know anything...and currently I feel that every day. I am in a major that I can get A's in every class because the requirements are super easy and the grading is even easier. However, I have to write a paper scientifically, and do you think any of my classes have prepared me to do that? Nope! Not a single one. How am I expected to write a complete literature review (15-20 pages) when I have no clue how to write scientifically? You would think you would be provided with some pointers on how to write scientifically...nope haven't gotten those. The only one I've received...don't write conversationally. How do you do that? I didn't think I was writing as though I was talking to someone...nor does it sound like a conversation when I read it. I try to make the necessary changes and I'm told that it's not good enough, but why? I don't know.

I feel like a total failure every time that paper comes back to me, and we're only revising the first four pages currently. Seriously?! If four pages take this long, what the hell is going to happen with 17?!?! I can only imagine. And graduation in May...probably not happening. Now all my requirements are due by April 27th...almost 2 months away. Everything must be accepted and approved before I can move onto each subsequent step. Impossible...I always used to say nothing is impossible. I'm beginning to believe that graduating in May is impossible.

I don't feel like this is going to prepare me for any type of job I take...considering I know I can't write well...I am obviously not going to apply for a job that requires me to write scientifically every day! I am also beginning to think that I will never find a job that I will be good at. I don't have experience in anything but two things: coaching and teaching. Neither of which apply to anything in the biology field other than teaching.

This is depressing today...I know. But this is what I feel like currently and need to get it out! I need help writing...I need someone to read it and tell me what to fix...I need someone who knows how to write scientifically...How many people do you know that know how to do that? 0...here. It's a major sad face kind of day...and probably week at that.

Can't wait for this part of my life to be done and over with...and yet I will be stressed out to the max for the remainder of it! Ugh!

job searching....

I sit here late on a Wednesday night while I'm tutoring.  Or waiting to tutor as I'm not getting any students tonight.  And so I keep looking for jobs and applying.  I've only been looking for a few days...and I'm already frustrated.  Every job wants you to have some kind of experience.  I have NO experience in anything related to my Master's degree.  I can't even put that I have laboratory experience.  Thanks grad school for preparing me for this!  I write cover letters that say although I have no experience, I wish you would take a chance on me!

How am I expected to find a job when everyone wants 3-5 years experience?!  ughh!  Any suggestions in terms of finding a job would be much appreciated!

On a lighter note, got a letter from Aaron today! :)  Made my entire week...thank goodness...I've been dying to see that damn thing in the mailbox!!!  Booked my ticket to Chicago for March...can't wait to see his face! :)

Working on finding some good questions to pose to you all...funny thing is...I won't put some up because I have no idea how to answer them!  ha!  Maybe this weekend while on a 10 hour bus trip....

Short and sweet tonight...the way it probably always should be!

Best sister

This has been a stressful week me. Trying to finish a paper so I can graduate and spending every free minute of my life on it. To top that off I have not had communication with Aaron for 3 weeks now. Really missing him. But to make the week better Megan came out to visit for the entire weekend! Couldn't be any better. And while I hate a lot of things right now, she made me feel a million times better. I appreciate her worrying about me. She is pretty awesome! I have no idea what comes next or where ill be in 3 months but I know I have someone who believes in me 100% and will back me up no matter what I choose. Thank you sister for making my worst days a little bit brighter! Love you!!!!! :)

just another manic monday!

Well technically my Monday hasn't been manic...but my Friday was!!!  ugh.  Talk about the worst Friday I've probably had in years...literally.  Just trying to get through this semester and graduate on time...but it's looking like that might be falling by the wayside.  I may have to wait and graduate at the end of the summer semester.  While this is not what I really want...it's really not that terrible.  However, I am disappointed in the way things have gone because I don't feel I was given adequate direction in determining this lovely timeline I am now following at record pace!  New timeline = 15-25 page paper done by Valentine's Day (awesome...NOT!), revise a million times, allow my committee 2 weeks to read and accept, oral presentation and defense, and lastly 3 comprehensive final exams....all supposed to be finished by May 7.  While I think this seems rather reasonable...no one else does!  Apparently this revision process is going to take me 2 months.  AHHHHH!  And so my rant continues from Friday! I experienced a stress level that I didn't even know existed on Friday! Today, slightly experiencing a high stress level...but I have decided to let it all play out and not freak out.  If I don't get done, I don't get done.  I'll finish in May then.  Something I learned about myself today and this weekend...sometimes it isn't going to work out the way you want it, so just go with it!  I'm going! :)

So I'm going to start doing this regularly...ask myself a self discovery question each day!

Today's question: What type of people do I enjoy spending time with? 
I enjoy spending time with people who make me laugh.  I always enjoy having a good laugh, I think that is important to do everyday! I also enjoy spending time with someone who shares the same interests as me, but I also enjoy spending time with people who don't as well.  I want to learn everyday and I know that hanging out with people who can teach me something will allow me to keep learning!  An intelligent person would definitely be enjoyable!  There's a big but to this though, I don't enjoy spending time with people who are "know-it-alls"!  I know I don't want to spend time with someone who always has the right answer.  To go along with that, I don't like one-uppers! I enjoy people who care about others, want to see people do well, have fun in all that they do, laugh, joke, smile, and just enjoy life.  I enjoy the company of those that are smart, self-driven, funny, open-minded, active, sports-friendly, optimists (even though I myself am a pessimist!).  

What will this tell me about myself?  I'm not sure yet, but I am sure that the longer I continue to ask myself questions and make myself answer them, I will learn something!  Maybe I will stop surrounding myself with people I don't enjoy spending time with...but I'm not sure I even do that anyway!

I have two questions for any of you today as well.  I'd like to know what type of people you enjoy spending time with.  And my second question...I feel like I have no idea how to make friends!  Yes I'm 26 and I just said I don't know how to make friends!!!  ha  You can laugh, I know you are!  How do you make friends with someone?  

Have a great Monday everyone!