apparently yesterday was strictly a horrific case of the mondays! feeling much better today. so my apologies to all of you readers out there for the extremely depressing post! i'm working on it!
back in the swing of things again today...sometimes i think it is strictly having to leave someone for the empty apartment. my mom and megan left yesterday...and i wanted to cry! because i knew there would be nothing but quiet in the apartment for the following hours after they left. i have no desire to do the school work that i have finished...as i don't foresee a job in that field coming anytime soon since i have 0 experience! how i will ever get that experience...who knows!
i'm sitting in class today...of which was pretty boring...and i realized that most of the stuff i have learned in my master's, i don't feel that i will ever use in the real world. talk about discouraging! and it suddenly dawned on me...if i can't find a job in the field i am trying to get into...i will look into teaching online! there are numerous opportunities for this and it would be a perfect way to transition. it would allow me to make money but at the same time do some research into what i want to do. does that mean i'll leave coaching? i have no idea yet. i plan on looking for opportunities in that as well...but as always it is dependent upon being hired.
i don't know exactly who i am yet...i don't know where i want to be in 5 years...let alone 2! 7 weeks left of classes...and i am counting down every stinking minute of it...if i don't get my paper finished in time and get all my other requirements done...oh well. i never understand why people do something they hate? and yet here i am doing exactly that...i am doing something that i hate...i would gladly pay someone to finish for me! :) lol unfortunately i am not sure what i would pay with...as i have no money and am severely in debt.
over the weekend...i listened to aaron discuss all these financial strategies that he learned in bootcamp...and i can't help but think what it would be like to be entirely worry free! i worry everyday about will i have enough money to get gas and food this month?! that's horrible! how am i supposed to toy with the idea of ever buying a house...or ever having children?! eek!
although i have absolutely nothing figured out...as most people don't i assume...i suppose i'll just take whatever is thrown at me. some of these things make me miserable (paper being one)...while others have made me extremely happy! i don't know what's going to happen in the next 7 weeks with the wrapping up of my master's...and honestly i am not really sure if i even care at this point if i get it...would it be a royal waste of my money?? yes definitely. but would i still be able to find a job?? yes definitely. pros and cons of not finishing your master's degree at this point?? hmm...maybe tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
back in this place of loneliness...
spring break trip is over...back in austintown. i had the greatest weekend in the last 6 weeks...and i wish it would never have ended. i am now back in the place where i feel more alone and empty than ever before. i feel i have no direction in my life. i am in love with someone who knows exactly what he wants and is going after it...and i am in a place where i have no idea what i want...and have no clue what the next step is when my current job is finished in 3 months. i want to have a purpose...feel like i'm changing something or making a difference...anything. and i have no idea what will allow me to do that. no idea where to look...and i'm getting a master's degree in something that will probably never help me accomplish any of that. a degree that i will probably never use because of my lack of experience.
i hate coming back to this place...i feel like there is not much to look forward to...i don't enjoy going to class...i don't enjoy being in this town/apartment...the only thing i enjoy half the time is softball. i want out of here.
i want it to be september of next year...when he'll be done. i am lonely...i miss talking to him...seeing him...touching him...anything with him! it probably would have been easier not to see him for the next year...after seeing him i want to see him every day. i am so extremely proud of him and i want him to do everything he wants to do. i am just being selfish...he is ok with not seeing me. i wish i could be that strong...
i am counting down...counting down to the end of school...but yet i have no idea what comes next...after that i don't have a job. i don't have school to go to. i have literally nothing to look forward to...aaron will be making his way to california for training. NOTHING...what do i do? i can't afford to go anywhere...i can't afford to do anything. i feel like everything is falling apart all at once...just keeps crumbling. what else can possibly crumble at this point???
trying to beat this feeling of loneliness and emptiness...but i don't know how....
i hate coming back to this place...i feel like there is not much to look forward to...i don't enjoy going to class...i don't enjoy being in this town/apartment...the only thing i enjoy half the time is softball. i want out of here.
i want it to be september of next year...when he'll be done. i am lonely...i miss talking to him...seeing him...touching him...anything with him! it probably would have been easier not to see him for the next year...after seeing him i want to see him every day. i am so extremely proud of him and i want him to do everything he wants to do. i am just being selfish...he is ok with not seeing me. i wish i could be that strong...
i am counting down...counting down to the end of school...but yet i have no idea what comes next...after that i don't have a job. i don't have school to go to. i have literally nothing to look forward to...aaron will be making his way to california for training. NOTHING...what do i do? i can't afford to go anywhere...i can't afford to do anything. i feel like everything is falling apart all at once...just keeps crumbling. what else can possibly crumble at this point???
trying to beat this feeling of loneliness and emptiness...but i don't know how....
Friday, March 9, 2012
catching up...
well it's been awhile since i have graced you all with my writing presence!:)
the last few weeks have been very relaxing actually. my professor had my paper so i didn't have to worry a damn minute about that thing! i have it back in my possession now though...and just as i expected...he changed a majority of the first 6 pages to his writing. i knew this would happen! which i guess i can't be that mad about...it's one less thing i have to do. so i think i'm done stressing over this paper...because i know how it's going to turn out from this point forward: his writing. awesome!
joined a gym this week that has an 8 week transformation challenge. im pretty pumped about this. 8 weeks and i plan on being able to kick someone's ass!!! haha the first class i attended last friday was incredible...ropes, push ups, throwing weighted balls, pulling sleds, and carrying sandbags. freakin sweet! first two classes were pretty kick ass as well...i leave there each time feeling strong!! i had my second personal training session this week and just felt like i accomplished so much during 1 hour...unlike when i run!!! fyi...stress fraction in the right foot = not awesome at all!
the previous point reminds me to fill you in on new year's resolutions. i have completely nixed a resolution: marathon. marathon...i am over you officially. you caused me to injure the foot after 5 months of running...and this pisses me off! ill just throw some weighted balls around, whip the rope, do push ups on the bosu ball, carry kegs and sandbags, and push sleds all over the place. much cooler than running! :)
working out 4-6 times a week...while i have not stuck to this totally...i am working out multiple times a week. but i do really want to kick my ass in gear and get it going. and i need to do that with this 8 week transformation challenge...reinstating this resolution as of today. florida seems like a perfect place to start that!
blogging more...well obviously i've failed at that one! lol i haven't signed in for who knows how long!!!! i was just talking with a certain someone today about blogging...and i often feel like i am just complaining on here and sometimes am hesistant to post because i don't just want to complain. i want to have something meaningful i guess. so i'm working on that part...and pictures...well i officially suck at that part! ill fix that next weekend when im in chicago for aaron's graduation!!! pictures to come!!!
and losing body fat...well while i am not sure how much body fat i have lost yet...i do know that i have lost 12 pounds since the beginning of january. i am currently weighing in at 132...i don't think i've weighed this much since junior high!!! maybe a short period of time during my junior year in college when i slept through lunch for 2 months during 6 am practices...otherwise i really think it was junior high! haha i feel great...which is the best part of the whole thing. i had my body fat tested on january 18th i believe...and according to the 3 site caliper test, i regret to announce that it estimated 30%...ugh! however, i just had it tested on the machine that you hold out in front of you at the gym on tuesday, march 6th and that was at 22.4%. talk about a serious discrepancy!!!! haha so i plan on getting tested again with the 3 site caliper test sometime this month...and then at the end of my 8 week transformation challenge i will check in with that too. so in the next 2 months i will have a definite answer to this goal!
my diet has improved as well. i buy more fruits and vegetables at the store...much less processed food. which i'm super ecstatic about. i think it's truly paying off as well...considering i have managed to make it through the coldest months of the year without getting sick!!! hells yeah!!! :) i try to buy organic when i can! loving it!
and finally a little update on aaron and i...while he has been gone at navy bootcamp training since january 23rd, i have only spoken to him 1 time on the phone...and that was on january 23rd! ahh! he has called twice since then and i have missed both calls :( i am on high alert currently with my phone just patiently waiting for him to call again! on march 16th he will graduate from boot camp...and he was named honor recruit of his division!!!! so that's pretty exciting. i can't wait to go straight from our florida trip to chicago to see him graduate!!! i am super proud of him and knew he would do extremely well. while it has been difficult, it hasn't been as hard as i was expecting. i stay super busy with ball and school so i don't have much time to think about it. and thanks to a new good friend, i have someone who i know i can talk to about it and they will just listen! :) thank you...you know who you are!!
school is winding down...only 8 weeks left. which also means only that much time left with the softball team. i'm not sure where my path will take me...and that is excruciatingly scary for me! i don't know what i'm good at and i don't know what i want to spend my life doing. when i get a job, i want to be the best at it that i can be and i currently don't feel like i know what that might be. i want to make a difference in someone's life...or make a difference in general. where do i find that? i suppose we'll find out in due time...
currently on our way to florida....and we have like 16 hours left!! haha gotta love the bus...
til next time...:)
the last few weeks have been very relaxing actually. my professor had my paper so i didn't have to worry a damn minute about that thing! i have it back in my possession now though...and just as i expected...he changed a majority of the first 6 pages to his writing. i knew this would happen! which i guess i can't be that mad about...it's one less thing i have to do. so i think i'm done stressing over this paper...because i know how it's going to turn out from this point forward: his writing. awesome!
joined a gym this week that has an 8 week transformation challenge. im pretty pumped about this. 8 weeks and i plan on being able to kick someone's ass!!! haha the first class i attended last friday was incredible...ropes, push ups, throwing weighted balls, pulling sleds, and carrying sandbags. freakin sweet! first two classes were pretty kick ass as well...i leave there each time feeling strong!! i had my second personal training session this week and just felt like i accomplished so much during 1 hour...unlike when i run!!! fyi...stress fraction in the right foot = not awesome at all!
the previous point reminds me to fill you in on new year's resolutions. i have completely nixed a resolution: marathon. marathon...i am over you officially. you caused me to injure the foot after 5 months of running...and this pisses me off! ill just throw some weighted balls around, whip the rope, do push ups on the bosu ball, carry kegs and sandbags, and push sleds all over the place. much cooler than running! :)
working out 4-6 times a week...while i have not stuck to this totally...i am working out multiple times a week. but i do really want to kick my ass in gear and get it going. and i need to do that with this 8 week transformation challenge...reinstating this resolution as of today. florida seems like a perfect place to start that!
blogging more...well obviously i've failed at that one! lol i haven't signed in for who knows how long!!!! i was just talking with a certain someone today about blogging...and i often feel like i am just complaining on here and sometimes am hesistant to post because i don't just want to complain. i want to have something meaningful i guess. so i'm working on that part...and pictures...well i officially suck at that part! ill fix that next weekend when im in chicago for aaron's graduation!!! pictures to come!!!
and losing body fat...well while i am not sure how much body fat i have lost yet...i do know that i have lost 12 pounds since the beginning of january. i am currently weighing in at 132...i don't think i've weighed this much since junior high!!! maybe a short period of time during my junior year in college when i slept through lunch for 2 months during 6 am practices...otherwise i really think it was junior high! haha i feel great...which is the best part of the whole thing. i had my body fat tested on january 18th i believe...and according to the 3 site caliper test, i regret to announce that it estimated 30%...ugh! however, i just had it tested on the machine that you hold out in front of you at the gym on tuesday, march 6th and that was at 22.4%. talk about a serious discrepancy!!!! haha so i plan on getting tested again with the 3 site caliper test sometime this month...and then at the end of my 8 week transformation challenge i will check in with that too. so in the next 2 months i will have a definite answer to this goal!
my diet has improved as well. i buy more fruits and vegetables at the store...much less processed food. which i'm super ecstatic about. i think it's truly paying off as well...considering i have managed to make it through the coldest months of the year without getting sick!!! hells yeah!!! :) i try to buy organic when i can! loving it!
and finally a little update on aaron and i...while he has been gone at navy bootcamp training since january 23rd, i have only spoken to him 1 time on the phone...and that was on january 23rd! ahh! he has called twice since then and i have missed both calls :( i am on high alert currently with my phone just patiently waiting for him to call again! on march 16th he will graduate from boot camp...and he was named honor recruit of his division!!!! so that's pretty exciting. i can't wait to go straight from our florida trip to chicago to see him graduate!!! i am super proud of him and knew he would do extremely well. while it has been difficult, it hasn't been as hard as i was expecting. i stay super busy with ball and school so i don't have much time to think about it. and thanks to a new good friend, i have someone who i know i can talk to about it and they will just listen! :) thank you...you know who you are!!
school is winding down...only 8 weeks left. which also means only that much time left with the softball team. i'm not sure where my path will take me...and that is excruciatingly scary for me! i don't know what i'm good at and i don't know what i want to spend my life doing. when i get a job, i want to be the best at it that i can be and i currently don't feel like i know what that might be. i want to make a difference in someone's life...or make a difference in general. where do i find that? i suppose we'll find out in due time...
currently on our way to florida....and we have like 16 hours left!! haha gotta love the bus...
til next time...:)
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